Stand By You

I have till now posted pictures of celebrities going through chaos and conflict because people can easily identify with them, not having known them personally but still having heard about them from the tabloids. Today you must be asking yourself, who is this woman in this picture and why should we know about her.

I would like to tell you, this is me, Bharti Pawar, the writer of this blog, ‘Mystical Musings’. Yes, today I am forced to talk about myself, not having thought even in my wildest dreams that I would be forced to share anything

about myself. I want to tell everyone that not only celebrities but common people also have to go through a lot of trials and tribulations in life. Seeing my picture, one will never be able to guess the amount of pain, suffering and torment I have had to suffer because I hid it all behind a façade, which I created for myself as I could not come to terms with the fact that the person who I thought was my protector would turn out to be my predator.

I have been in a toxic relationship for the past 20 years and I have suffered right from day one, despite it being a marriage of choice. My husband pursued me relentlessly till I was forced to say yes and soon thereafter the nightmare began with harassment, torture, gaslighting and pain. I tried to take my life but was not successful and had to live with this man, for fear of society, what will people say. How will I be judged? The fear of judgment, the ridicule kept me in this marriage where

I was literally caged, not allowed to meet my relatives, suspicions and the fear of inviting undulating wrath from my so called ‘protector’.

I am blessed with two daughters which did not go down well with my husband or his family, who have treated me like an outcast for not being a brahmin, who longed for a son, who pretended to be happy but the cold treatment towards my daughters spoke volumes. We all suffered the trauma as I was alone and helpless and hurt to such an extent that I started to keep quiet and did not divulge the pain I was going through, despite having done my Master’s in English and armed with a law degree, as I was always shut down. No body could fathom the pain in my heart which I hid successfully.

In hindsight, I think it was my fault, I should have spoken up when I was slapped for the first time, but I preferred to keep quiet as I was not financially independent having handed over all my 40 tola gold jewelry and my stridhan (dowry) to my husband, which he used to purchase our first flat and later money left by my mother was taken by my husband to pay EMI of another flat. I could not resist handing over everything to my husband, thinking he would change, not realizing I had dug my own grave. Any attempt on my part to take up a job was dealt with strict resistance and more torture, I decided to sacrifice my life and career to give a bright future to my daughters, to be their pillar of support.

I decided to put on a mask for the society and hid behind a façade for I could not allow people to see the pain I was going through. It seemed easy to escape in the rabbit hole, rather than to deal with the reality and I numbed myself into believing that this was my karma and I should suffer quietly rather than walking out of the marriage.

My advice to all people is to ‘flee’ at the 1st instance, when you realize the person, you are living with is a narcissist, a term I have come across recently, and speak about it and ask for help. I think, my silence emboldened my husband to such an extent that being an advocate, he is now using his oratorial skills and legal prowess against me when now I have finally put my foot down and decided to walk out of the marriage, as my husband’s extra-marital affair is the last nail in the coffin. I was called ugly, fat, insecure and jealous of his ladylove. The little self-respect that I had was shattered and It took a lot of courage to come to this decision, as I knew I will have to walk the untrodden path. I won’t lie it is daunting as I still do not know whether it is a correct decision or not and again the fear of being judged is behind the back of my mind and how to support myself and my daughters. But I have made up my mind. I thought my husband would agree for mutual divorce and would give me some money to tide through, but something changed and this decision of mine has not been taken well by my husband, who has decided to punish me for my audacity to speak to him about his affair that he has lodged a false and frivolous complaint against me alleging it was I who was having an affair, despite the fact that I have stayed 24/7 in my house except to pick up my daughters from school , and with Covid times we three stay together.

As I sat alone at the police station, coming to terms with the state of affairs, the mask that I was hiding behind, shattered to pieces and I felt I was sitting nude in front of so many people, pleading my innocence, which was falling on deaf ears. I sat there in shame and ignominy, not knowing what wrong I was paying for, and it was on that day when my reputation was put to shreds, I decided I am no longer going to tolerate such behavior.

Something snapped inside me. But the little strength that I had gathered, was lost as even the police men believed my husband and who said, if you have been in this marriage for 20 years, stay in it only, believing all the lies my husband weaved, and told me why I was speaking after 20 years. I can write words, but I cannot express myself verbally. I felt so helpless.

To further add injury to insult, when my sisters stood by me, asking my husband to release me from my bondage, my husband is now planning to file a new complaint for theft of valuables and for causing him grievous hurt, a ploy to silence me and my sisters forever apart from his threat to get me murdered if I do not fall in line. I do not know how to go about it for I will be embroiled in legal battle for which I do not have any finances.

I take this opportunity to appeal to you to kindly support me in my fight by not giving me donations, no I am not asking for same, as my sisters will be financially supporting me till I can do so myself, if I’m alive, but to please read this blog and leave your comments so that I know you stand by me in my fight. I do not know whether I will be alive or will be behind bars, because anything can happen. I do not fear for myself, as I will be one with the Universe, but I fear for my daughters’ lives, who are young and I do not know what fate they will meet.

So please in this dark hour, I ask you to lend me your wings till I can mend mine and walk this hell with me, so I feel I am not alone and you all stand by me.

Now I will conclude with original lyrics from Rachel Platten’s song “Stand By You”, a beautiful song, which is like a beacon of light to me in this dark hour.

“And love, if your wings are broken

Borrow mine, so yours can open too

‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you

Even if we’re breaking down

We can find a way to breakthrough

Even if we can’t find heaven

I’ll walk the hell with you

Love you’re not alone

Cause I’m gonna stand by you”

PS. I started this blog without telling my husband because being a tarot reader, I felt I should talk about the pain, people are going through and they can heal themselves by getting support. My husband doesn’t like me having started my 2 YouTube tarot channels in English and Hindi namely Mirra Soul Tarot and Auro Soul Tarot 777, to which he is taking offence and even in the police complaints, he says tarot has made me mad and he will not rest till I stop my channels and readings. Tarot readings brought the healing to me and gave me the strength to put my foot down, which has not gone down well with my husband. If you do not see me posting any more blogs, than be sure what fate I have met with.

Bharti Pawar