Manipulated

Coming to think of the past, now I deliberate and think how naive I was to have changed everything about myself.

My likes , my dislikes, my food habits, my way of dressing up. I had become more of a recluse, keeping to myself and not talking to anyone, be it my neighbors, friends or family.

I always avoided going to family functions always cooking up some excuse. I thought all this will please my husband but the more I tried the more I failed.

I just couldn't make him happy. He always found faults with me.

The best thing was, he hit me where it hurt the most.

He kept on criticizing about my weight or my looks. Though I didn't come in the category of fat, but he body shamed me and this made me very self conscious of my looks.

I had always dreamt of a perfect marriage where things would be good and therefore decided to sacrifice my needs longing for it and now I realize this was my fault.

I should not have done everything to please my partner but should have raised some boundaries or should have had confidence in myself and realized I should not have been looking for validation from my husband.

There were a lot of red flags, but I continuously ignored them not noticing the cracks in my marriage and I decided to settle for the scraps and was ready to defend my husband so that he should not be hurt and consoled myself for every flaw in the name of love and bought all the lies given to me by my husband so my situation is best summed up by Beth Crowley's Song - Manipulated.

"Everything was perfect

Or was it?

I'm noticing the cracks in our façade

Your pretty lies I bought

I kept on ignoring

The warnings

The artificial happiness took hold

'Til I gave up control

I gave up control

Looking back now

I was so manipulated

I don't know how

(I don't know how)

I settled for the scraps you gave me

You've got a lot of nerve

Acting like you are just as hurt

As me

I was always quick to

Defend you

Inventing an excuse for every flaw

'Cause I thought that was love

When I said I was done with

Your bullshit

You told me you're the best that I can do

But you won't face the truth

You won't face the truth

Looking back now

I was so manipulated."